But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
