Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
