Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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