headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
