Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hippo gnu deer
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
