i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
