it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
