it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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