I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
