i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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