Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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