he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
