so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
