Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
