I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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