No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
