John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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