now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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