All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
