He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
