DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
