It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
