peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
