Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
