you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
