jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize