He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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