come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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