ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
