The best revenge is premature balding
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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