Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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