then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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