This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
