what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I AM VODKA MAN
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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