3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
