It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize