She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
