So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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