I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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