come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
