She is in my trunk
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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