You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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