I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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