Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
