he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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