I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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