smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
me + whiskey = a bad person
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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