im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
