theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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