life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
