I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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