I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize