it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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