also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
