Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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