Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
