I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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