and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
