Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
